Self-doubt, readiness and perfection

It’s the final morning of our family holiday and the Portuguese sun is already strong enough to send me to the shade of a quiet veranda. The last week has been one filled with relaxation, silly card games, and fun in the pool. For me, it has also been one of reflection. Being away from my normal routine and chores has created the space to notice what Rebecca Campbell would call the ‘whispers’ of my soul. As a result, today’s post is a reflective one, in which I’ll be talking about recognising and letting go of self-doubt and the notion that we have to have everything ‘together’ before we can share our voices.

For some time, possibly longer than I realise, I’ve been feeling called to write and share something. I’m still not sure what it is that I should be writing about, but it’s the reason I started this blog and recording the posts as podcast episodes. This need to write feels like a compulsion - between the posts I publish, I write in journals - pages and pages of things that will never be read by anyone else. Over the last week, with no clients to see or chores to do, I’ve been noticing, journaling, and reflecting what has come up for me and in particular, what might be stopping me from knowing what it is I should be writing!

The big thing that keeps coming up (it’s not news as I’ve recognised it for some time) is that I am stopped by self-doubt. Often I’ll have an idea - something that strikes me as being of potential value to someone else - and my inner voice starts asking me who the hell I think I am to share that. What possible credibility do I have and who would listen? I’ve overcome this a little by sharing my ‘thought for the day’ posts on Facebook and Instagram, but even then I usually find a quote by someone else to anchor the thought. Because my own words won’t be convincing enough, without someone else saying the same thing and giving them credibility. Hmmm.

Whether through attraction, synchronicity, or whatever else you might call it, the laws of the universe work in such a way that when you’re buying a red Fiat, all you see are red Fiats, and because I’ve been thinking about this self-doubt, all sorts of related things have been showing up for me. In Facebook groups, books, on Instagram. Wherever I look. As a student of the spiritual text A Course In Miracles (ACIM), I also follow writer and teacher Marianne Williamson and one of her most famous quotes has been popping up a lot. You might recognise it, although it’s often attributed to others.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually who are you not to be?”

I certainly don’t feel powerful beyond measure, or any of the things she lists, but the quote goes on to say: “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.” Now this is something I can relate to! I recognise that I do play small - I don’t always speak up or make the contributions I could. My Reiki practice has already started to break this habit to some degree. I know that by saying the things I feel or experience during a session (even if it seems unreasonable to say some of them) it usually has